Beautiful (excerpt)
Sometimes I Hurt
Still a Negro...Part I
I didn't know that this was such a widespread cancer in our society, I have received the short end onf the stick on this a few times but when i saw this becoming a little more prevalent in my circles than just the odd comment here and there I decided to do some research and thats when I came across the word. Colorism is not a dictionary defined term so naturally I decided to search google. I couldn't believe how many hits I got; about 1,020,000 results for colorism were found in 0.34 seconds. So this thing has been going on for ages. Wikipedia's link on this gave a definition as "discrimination in which human beings are accorded differing social and treatment based on skin color. The preference often gets translated into economic status because of opportunities for work. Colorism can be found across the world. The term is generally used for the phenomenon of people discriminating within their own ethnic groups."
Some comedian once cracked a joke on this, he took it back to the slavery days, saying that slave masters gave out jobs and privileges based on tone of skin. The lighter skin slaves had house duties, and depending on how light their complexion was, they might even be allowed to clean master's bedroom. The darker slaves had outdoor duties, the darker you were, the farther away from the house you were. The comedian (a fairly dark gentleman) said that if he were a slave, he'd be so far away from master's house, he'd be two steps from freedom. Funny as this statement may be in a comical setting, I see how certain people still have that kind of thinking, and how the intraracial segregation could have been initiated by this type of treatment. It would have been easy for the lighter skinned people to get a 'nose-up' attitude towards their darker counterparts. How it would be easy for them to forget that they are still negro.
On the flip side, there is the same type of arrogance exhibited by the darker skinned brothers and sisters towards the light skinned fellas. Those of you that know me would say that I am light-skinned. Personally I don't see that in myself but what ever; it was brought to my attention by a young lady when I expressed interest in her. She had the audacity to say I'm not 'black' enough. I asked if she meant tone-wise or culturally, and she said both. You see, once a bother gets educated, people think he loses his culture, and if he is lightskinned, they say he's got white blood in him. There is nothing wrong with being mixed, I hate no man, discriminate against no man, but I can't tolerate ignorance. so I had to address this. I am born and raised African, I was exposed to, and experienced the culture first hand, not through television, not through magazines, not through friends or museums. I lived it. So, for a young lady, born and raised in Canada, to insinuate that she is more 'black' than I am. Trick please. I have probably seen more oppression in one year than you have in all your life. I am still negro. No matter how much you try to claim to be 'better than me' you are still dust.
...to be continued
The Mourning After
Sitting here alone in my bed, my mind wandering and I’m left wondering what the hell just happened? She was right here next to me - her head was on my chest and my fingers navigating softly on her scalp. I was without a care as I felt the natural texture of her hair brushing softly on my chin. To say I can still smell her would be cutting it thin, but you have to understand the state that I’m in. It seems like it was just last night that everything was going so well, even the most perfect stranger looking at us could tell that we were in love. We enjoyed a candle-light dinner in the gazebo with the cool late spring evening breeze gently caressing our lightly dressed bodies. We sat there and enjoyed her brilliant cooking, and I spent the rest of the evening just looking, just watching, just gazing aimlessly into her amazing eyes and thinking of all the things I wanted to do to her.
From there we went inside the house and lay down on the floor, listened to some Barbara Johnson & Bessie Smith, while we had apple pie for dessert and played a game of chess. Have you ever felt like you were blessed? That’s me, that’s how I felt whenever I was with her. With all my hang-ups, my insecurities, my fears, my imperfections she looked at me and I felt wanted. I felt huggable, felt touchable & felt lovable. After the game of chess she led me upstairs to our room where we talked the night away, she told me about her fears, dreams and ambitions and I told her about mine as I gently massaged all her tension away. She sang some Jill Scott to me and remixed it with Anita Baker; and at that moment I just had to thank my maker for taking time to make her for me. You ever feel like you wanted a moment to last forever? Ever wish that you could take a feeling and just put it in a bottle so that every once in a while you could go back to that bottle, open it and re-live that moment? That’s what our 21st anniversary felt like. Kodak® couldn’t capture the brilliance of that moment. Imax® couldn’t produce anything to make you feel it the way I did. But as any other moment, you live it and it goes. Today would have been our 22nd – I had looked forward to it being better than last year, I woke up to an empty bed, and it feels weird. It’s been 2 months since breast cancer took her away, and every morning feels like the mourning after.
Abstract - Untitled
I just finished packing my son’s clothes. I did the dishes earlier after enjoying the simple meal that I prepared. Since my wife is studying for her exams, I volunteered to do all the work in the house instead of just my half. If my parents could see me now; they’d be proud. I remember sharing my dream with them. How I wanted to have a house on the hill, a wife and two kids, a great job with great benefits, good friends – that was the dream I had when I was younger. When life was just one big potential, waiting to be explored, waiting to be lived. I had it all figured out, go to university, get my degree, come out and get the job I wanted then let life begin. Then I met you and you had similar ambitions desires and dreams, you were so perfect you felt like a dream. You motivated me to be more than I was, to do more than I thought possible, to step outside my comfort zone – I learned a lot from you. How not to dream big but dream bigger; not to do good, but do better – never to take silver when the gold is up for grabs. My dreams slowly changed. I wanted a big house in the mountains; I wanted you as my wife, no kids because that didn’t fit in your plans. I decided I would be my own boss, and as for friends, well anyone would be lucky to have me as a friend. This kind of thinking made you happy and I thought I was happy too because I saw you happy. Then it happened, someone you thought was better than me walked into your life, and I faded out of the picture. It made sense because all I ever did was never enough for you. You were always about bigger and better.
Crushed. That’s how my heart felt – and all those bigger dreams were lost. It hurt, but just for a little while – I had to do as a man does; pick myself up, dust myself off and keep walking. When I saw your name on my patients list today I was shocked, and when you walked into the clinic, I was stunned. What happened to the bright-eyed girl who was always about bigger and better. Where’s that captivating smile, that charming personality, that beautiful girl I once worked so hard to please? It’s hard to believe that she’s an HIV patient of mine today. Funny how life works sometimes, how things turn out different from our expectations. I could be living a miserable bigger dream that wasn’t really mine to start off with, but even if all that I am is not enough for you, the great I AM is more than enough for me. Today, I have my house on Montgomery Hill, a great wife, one son and a daughter on the way, being a doctor is not so bad, and the clinic has great benefits. I have a lot of patients and when I make house calls I build great friendships. Life is not about how big you can dream, its about how well you can live it.
uninspired abstract thought by Tedd V