Here I stand, a broken man caught between who I want to be and who I am. Here I stand, with my little black book in hand, trying so hard to understand, how I’ve succeeded living by the player's code but all of a sudden I feel like I’m slowly sinking in the sand. Here I stand. Not as the man that I used to be but as the man that i choose to be; they say the grass is greener on the other side, so I’m standing on the fence, trying to see if the grass looks good to me. Here I stand. Not yet the man that I want to be because right and wrong are still one to me. So I’m going to stay on this fence until my senses come to me. You see, I’ve always been unlucky in matters of the heart, I've always been unlucky in love. So I gave up on it and decided to focus my efforts on bodily pleasures; until God heard my silent cry from up above, and opened He up the window of heaven and He let out this treasure. Yes He poured out a blessing that I cannot even think to measure; to prove to me that loving me is His great leisure.

However, this not what I had in mind, well, maybe it did cross my mind, but this is certainly not the right time. You see as a player I have one goal and I have to stay on my grind. And after all I’ve been through I figured this was my time to shine. My 15 minutes of fame, my turn to run the game, a chance to have my name stuck on the lips of every dame. But here I stand with this little black book in hand, trying so hard to hold on, and trying so hard to let go. A wise man once told me that a monkey cannot hold on to two branches all day, he has to let one go so he can regress or make progress. So as I sift through the pages and see all the faces of all my past flames, I remember the games and my mind goes back. Back to the days when I only focused on rolling in the hay. Back to the nights when she'd ask where I've been & I'd start a fight. Back to the days when I knew that one wrong move would wrong move could leave me with AIDS. Back to the nights when if her body was banging & her face wasn't so nice - I'd just turn off the lights.

As the pages start to turn, my heart starts to yearn for one more passionate night that would turn out to be nothing more than just another physical night. As the pages continue turning my conscience starts burning as I realise that what I was doing was just not right. I nurtured her physical because her physical kept me satisfied, but I fractured her emotional because her emotional made me weak inside. I cradled her body but I broke her heart. Page after page takes me to a different place, and on each page I see a different face. I see faces with smiles as I remember all nights with the girls gone wild, but I also see her tear filled eyes as I remember the good-byes. I remember her tear filled eyes when she noticed my wandering eyes; I remember her tear filled eyes when she caught me in my lies. I know I'm a man & all but when I think of how I've hurt her, I myself begin to cry. For the first time I ask myself a simple question, why?

Why did I turn out the way that I did? Why did I do the things I saw my father do? Why am I not the same person that my mother knew? Why? My aunt once told me, I would make a lot of money but I’d always be poor – because I knew how to work hard, but I didn’t know how to spend smart. I’ve spent my life proving her right. My grandmother told me, I’d rock a lot of children to sleep, but I’d never have my own – because I couldn’t be a good father if I wasn’t mentally grown. I’ve spent my life proving her right. My mother told me I’d attract a lot of women, but I’d never have a wife – because I’m a rolling stone and I’m scared to commit to one person for life. I’ve spent my life proving her right. Just this one time I want to prove them all wrong - not to prove myself or my worth, but to lose this pain & this hurt. Here I stand with a choice to make, a curse to break, a risk to take and it all seems so simple; it all feels so real. It’s time that the monkey let go of the old branch and moved to the new. It’s time to notice that the grass seems greener only because the fence itself is green. It’s time to let go of who I used to be. It’s time to hold onto who I want to be. It’s time to become somebody new, so today I'm putting this little black book down, I'll walk down that aisle and say “I DO.”

inspired by Lamar H.